We now open Siman 195, whose subject is the harchakot: the actions a couple refrains from or alters while the woman is a niddah.

The verse that opened the parashah

We had the privilege of reading in Parashat Acharei Mot:

"And you shall not come near a woman in her time of unclean separation, to uncover her nakedness." (ויקרא יח, יט)

("Uncovering nakedness" is the Torah's idiom for forbidden relations.) The verse appears within a list of forbidden relationships. In Avot d'Rabbi Natan we learn that the apparently redundant words "shall not come near" teach us the harchakot.

The reason — building a fence

The verse states a Torah prohibition: marital relations while the woman is a niddah. The penalty is karet, the gravest in the Torah. A transgression that serious has to be guarded against, and that is where the harchakot come in.

The harchakot are a fence. Chazal understood that a couple who refrain from actions liable to arouse romantic feeling are far less likely to come to relations.

The tension in the words of Chazal

There is a kind of tension in how Chazal regard a married couple while the woman is a niddah.

On one hand, they are permitted to be alone together, unlike an unmarried couple.

On the other, they have the harchakot, unlike other forbidden relationships. A saleswoman in a shop can hand merchandise to male customers all day long (though some chasidic groups are stringent about this). But if she is a niddah, she cannot hand anything to her own husband.

Pat b'salo — a leniency born of familiarity

One leniency shows up in the permission to be alone together, because they have already had relations. Chazal call this pat b'salo, literally "bread in his basket." A hungry man who has already bought bread and is waiting to eat it when he gets home is calmer than a hungry man who has not yet found bread and is walking the market looking for it.

In the same way, a married couple who have already had relations are calmer than a bride and groom who have not.

Sugah ba'shoshanim — a further leniency

Masechet Sanhedrin gives another reason a married couple may live together even while she is a niddah. A heretic approached Rav Kahana and asked: "How can a man be alone with his wife while she is a niddah? Can you set wood alight and have it not catch fire?"

Rav Kahana answered that the Torah testified to the exceptional character of Am Yisrael in Shir HaShirim, in the words "sugah ba'shoshanim" — fenced about with roses. Words of Torah, soft as roses, are enough to ensure that Am Yisrael does not sin. The very fact that the Torah forbade relations to them is itself what keeps them from sinning.

Shir HaShirim Rabbah tells us that Rabbi Levi said: when her husband approaches her and she tells him, "I saw something as red as a rose" (dam niddah), he withdraws from her at once. What made him withdraw? No iron wall, no snake or scorpion, but words of Torah soft as roses.

And yet — a further fence is needed

At the same time, precisely because they have had relations, because they are a married couple, because they know each other intimately, they need this additional fence of harchakot.

The ruling of the Shulchan Aruch

The Shulchan Aruch tells us that during the niddah period a man may not conduct himself with kalut rosh toward his wife, lest it lead to relations while she is a niddah. He is nonetheless permitted to be alone with her, since once they have had relations we are not concerned that seclusion will lead them to sin.

Kalut rosh — a prohibition that resists explanation

Kalut rosh is a hard prohibition to explain, because almost no specific actions are classified as kalut rosh. The couple has to use common sense to determine what is fine and what is not.

Avoiding kalut rosh means avoiding conduct that carries, or activities that lead to, levity or flirtation. Sometimes games produce it. Sometimes they do not.

This is highly personal and situational. A couple with little time together may find a walk in the park intensely romantic. Another couple who walk in the park every day for exercise may find nothing romantic in it at all.

Speech too

Kalut rosh includes speech. Some poskim hold that a couple should not say "I love you" during the niddah period. Again, context is everything. A quick "I love you" as everyone runs out the door to work and school probably aroused no romantic feeling. Terms of endearment can sometimes be a problem, but not always.

Rav Uri Cohen, the posek of Mevaseret Zion, says that "kalut rosh" means taking Torah values lightly. What he means, most likely: if something feels intimate, even if it is technically permitted, refrain.

Practical halachah

This siman carries a great many details. I would recommend reviewing the practical halachah over the course of the week (there is only one this week), especially for women who go long stretches without being a niddah and may forget the harchakot.

Expanding the sources

Vayikra 18:19: "And you shall not come near a woman in her time of unclean separation, to uncover her nakedness."

Masechet Shabbat 64b: the Torah uses the words "וְהַדָּוָה בְּנִדָּתָהּ" to teach that a woman remains a niddah until she immerses in a mikveh.

Avot d'Rabbi Natan: we have the verse that a man may not have relations with a niddah. But perhaps he may embrace her, kiss her and speak words of love to her? No, he may not, as we learn from the words "shall not come near."

Masechet Ketubot: a bride who became a niddah must sleep among the women, and the groom among the men. The Gemara clarifies that this holds only if they have not yet had relations.

Masechet Sanhedrin: cited above.

Shulchan Aruch: a man must separate from his wife throughout the days of her tum'ah until she counts the required days and immerses in a kosher mikveh.

Rema: and this holds even if much time has passed since she bled. As long as she has not immersed, she remains in her niddah status.

Shulchan Aruch: and he shall not conduct himself with her with kalut rosh, lest it lead to a forbidden act.

Rema: he shall not conduct himself with kalut rosh even in his speech.

Shulchan Aruch: but he is permitted to be alone with her, since he has had relations with her once, and we are not concerned that he will be unable to restrain himself from sin.

The words of Rav Uri Cohen as heard by Yoetzet Halacha Bat Sheva Roth, and as I heard them myself.